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Don't Let Depression Attack You – David D. Burns - Sadness is Not Depression
"Dr. Burns, you seem to be asserting that misthinking is the sole cause of depression. But what if my difficulties are real?" This is the question I most often ask when I lecture on cognitive therapy. Many patients ask this question at the beginning of therapy and list a series of "real" problems that they say are the cause of "factual depression." The most common problems are:
– bankruptcy or poverty
- Old age
– Body defects
– terminal illness
The pain of losing someone you love
I'm sure the list is long. However, none of these problems lead to "factual depression."
The real problem is how to draw the line between appropriate and inappropriate negative emotions. What is the difference between "healthy sadness" and depression?
Very simple. Depression or sadness will arise after loss or failure in the process of striving to achieve something important. However, sadness is the flow of emotions and, therefore, it is short-lived. Sadness doesn't make you lose your self-esteem. Meanwhile, depression tends to be persistent and repetitive, and always causes you to lose self-esteem.
The cause of depression is negative and misleading thinking.
Your emotions depend on the very meaning you ascribe to the negative event that happened, and the suffering stems from distortions in thinking. When you suppress those false thinking, you'll find that facing the "real problem" is much less painful.
Let's see how effective this is when the problem is related to a serious disease, a malignant tumor, for example. Some of the easiest bouts of depression to deal with are those of someone facing death. Do you know why? These courageous people are often "transcendent warriors." They are often willing to do anything to help themselves. Let's go into detail and you can make your own assessment.
Loss in life. In her mid-40s, Naomi received a report from her doctor that a "black dot" appeared in an X-ray of her chest. She was the type of person who was convinced that going to the doctor was a way to get into trouble, so she delayed getting the test results for months. When she received the results, her worst suspicions were tested. A painful needle biopsy confirmed the presence of malignant cells, and a subsequent lung biopsy revealed that the cancer had metastasized.
The news stunned Naomi and her family. As the months passed, she became more and more depressed about her increasingly weakened condition. Why? The course of her illness or chemotherapy didn't make her physically uncomfortable, but she was upset because her frail condition forced her to give up daily activities that meant a lot to her self-esteem. She couldn't afford housework (her husband now had to shoulder almost everything in the house), and she had to quit two part-time jobs, one of which was volunteering to read books for the visually impaired.
You can assert, "Naomi's problems are real. Your misfortune is not caused by wrong thinking, but by circumstances."
But was her sadness so hard to overcome? I asked Naomi why not being able to function as before made her so depressed, and she wrote down the following negative perceptions: (1) I don't contribute to society; (2) I am not completing my work; (3) I cannot engage in active fun activities; and (4) I am a burden and clinging to my husband. The emotions that accompany these thoughts are: anger, sadness, frustration, and guilt.
When I read what she wrote, a gleam of joy flashed in my heart! These thoughts are no different from the thoughts that depressed patients with healthy bodies I come into contact with on a daily basis. Naomi's depression stemmed not from melanoma, but from her attitude of performance as a measure of her self-worth. Because she equates her self-worth with her accomplishments, cancer means — "You're down! You're about to be thrown aside!" Then I can help you.
Brother David,
This is a very belated but extremely important "postscript" to the previous letter I sent. That is: His simple "charts" of performance that had nothing to do with my worth or self-esteem actually saved me, a power pill that I used so generously! It really made me a psychologist without a PhD. I've found out that it works with a lot of things that annoy us. I've tried applying this idea to a few friends. Stephanie was treated poorly by the secretary of her children's age; Sue is constantly upset over her 14-year-old twin children; Becky's husband had just run away from home... I told all of them, "yes, but our self-worth is UNCHANGING, and the rubbish that life throws at us doesn't diminish who we are."
Again, thank you.
Affectionate
Naomi
Six months later, she died in pain but full of self-respect.
Limb defects.
People with disabilities — or their families — assume that old age or physical disabilities diminish their ability to enjoy life. Friends tend to express sympathy because they think this is a legitimate response. However, the problem seems quite the opposite. Distressed moods often stem from distorted thinking rather than from a flawed body.
When the person with the disability or their family members learn to think properly, then their spiritual life will be bright and complete.
For example, Fran is a 35-year-old woman, married and with two children.
She began to show symptoms of depression when her husband's right leg became paralyzed due to an incurable spinal injury. For 6 years, she managed to free herself from miserable despair with various antidepressants and electroshock therapy. But it didn't help. When she reached out to me, she was in a deep depression, and she felt that her problems were incurable.
She cried as she described her frustration trying to manage with her paralyzed husband: "Every time I see other couples doing things we can't do, I shed tears. I watched those couples go for a walk together, jump into the pool or into the ocean together, ride bikes together, and I was heartbroken. It was hard for John and I to do those things. They do it as if it's an obvious normal thing, just like we used to. If only we could do those things now, how great it would be. But you know, I know, and John also knows that it's impossible."
Initially, I also felt that Fran's difficulties were well-founded. At the end of the day, they can't do much that most of us can. The same goes for older people, as well as those who are deaf or visually impaired, or those who have amputated limbs.
In fact, considering this, we all have our own limits. Aren't we all miserable, then? Eventually, I discovered that the cause of Fran's unnecessary misery lay in her refinement mindset. Fran was just focused on every activity she couldn't perform. Meanwhile, there are many things that she and John are capable of or able to do together, but she doesn't realize it. No wonder she felt that life was empty and gloomy.
After all, the solution is simple. I suggested to Fran this: "In your spare time at home, write a list of things you and John can do together. Instead of focusing on the things you and John can't do together, learn to focus on the things you can do. For example, I myself would love to go to the moon, but since I'm not an astronaut, I'll almost never get that chance.
Now, if I focus on the fact that I will never get to go to the moon because of my age and expertise, I will make myself extremely depressed. On the other hand, there's a lot I can do, and if I focus on those things, I won't get frustrated. What can you and John do together now?"
FRAN: Well, we still love spending time together. We went out to dinner together and were good friends.
DAVID: yes. What else?
FRAN: We ride horses together, play cards, watch movies, play cars. He taught me to drive...
DAVID: You see, in less than 30 seconds you have listed 5 things that you two can do together. If I give you time between now and the next time to write this list, how much more do you think you can write?
FRAN: That's quite a lot. I can think of things that we've never thought of, something quite new like freestyle skydiving.
DAVID: That's right. She could even come up with other adventurous ideas. Remember that she and John could do a lot of things that she thought they couldn't. For example, she told me that neither of them could go to the beach. She mentioned that she loves to swim. You could go to a beach that was a little empty, so you wouldn't feel too guilty, would you? If I was on the beach and you and John were there, his physical disability wouldn't make any difference. In fact, I recently went to a nice beach in California with my wife and her family. We accidentally went to a nude beach, and all the young people there were wearing nothing. Of course I don't really look at any of them, I want you to understand this! But despite this, I noticed a young man whose right leg was amputated from the knee down, and he was still there frolicking with the others. So I'm not entirely suggesting we can't go to the beach and have fun there just because we lost our arms and legs. What do you think?
Some people will laugh at seeing such a "real and difficult" problem solved so easily, or that an intractable depression like Fran's can be easily turned around with such a simple intervention. By the end of the treatment, Fran said the discomfort had completely disappeared and that now was the happiest time she had in years. In order to maintain that improvement, over time she definitely needs to constantly make efforts to break her thinking habits, in order to change her vice of weaving a tangled web in her mind and getting stuck in it.
Unemployed.
Many people have a mental breakdown when their career changes or loses their livelihood, because according to them, one's self-worth as well as one's ability to be happy are directly related to the level of career success. According to this value system, depression is inevitably associated with financial loss, career failure, or bankruptcy.
If you're in that situation, then I think you'll want to meet Hal. Hal is 45 years old, a father of 3. He worked with his father-in-law for 17 years in a thriving trading company. Three years before he was referred to me for treatment, Hal and his father-in-law had a series of conflicts over how to manage the company.
In anger, Hal resigned. Three years later, he switched jobs repeatedly but still hadn't found a satisfactory job. He can't seem to succeed at anything and starts to see himself as a failure. His wife has to work full-time to cover expenses, and this makes Hal feel even more offended because he has always prided himself on being the main breadwinner in the family. As the years passed, his financial situation worsened, and his depression worsened as his self-esteem hit rock bottom.
I first met Hal when he was working on a three-month internship at a real estate company.
He has leased a few buildings but has yet to sell any.
Since his income only comes from commissions, the amount of money he earns during this starting period is quite low. He wilted in depression and procrastinated. He used to lie in bed all day thinking, "What's the use? I'm a failure. Going to work doesn't help. Just lying in bed like this is less miserable."
Hal volunteered for psychiatrist interns in our training program at the University of Pennsylvania to observe one of Hal's psychotherapy sessions through a one-way mirror. During this session, Hal recounted the conversation in the dressing room of the club he joined. A well-off friend told Hal that he wanted to buy a particular building. You might expect Hal to jump with joy when he learns this, as the commission from such a deal will provide a much-needed boost to his career, his confidence, as well as his bank account.
But instead of moving forward to close the deal, Hal procrastinated for several weeks. Why? Because he thinks like this, "Transacting a commercial property is too complicated. I've never done this before. Anyway, he would have pulled out at the last minute. That means I can't stay in this industry, which means I'm a failure."
I then evaluated that session along with the intern doctors. I wanted to know what they thought of Hal's pessimistic, self-defeating attitude. They feel that Hal has a gift for sales, but he makes it unreasonably difficult for himself. I made this comment at the next treatment session. Hal admits he is more himself than on anyone else. For example, if one of his associates missed a big contract, he would simply say, "It's not the end of the world, let's get excited." But if it happened to himself, he would tell himself, "I'm a failure." Basically, Hal admits he is applying "double standards" — being generous and sympathetic towards others but being harsh and critical with himself. Maybe you have that tendency too. At first, Hal countered that double standard by arguing that it was useful to him:
HAL: Well, first of all, my part of responsibility and interest in others is not the same as my part of responsibility for myself.
DAVID: All right. Let's be clearer.
HAL: If they don't succeed, it won't threaten my life, it won't cause any negative feelings for my family. So the only reason I care about them is because it's good for everyone to succeed, but...
DAVID: Wait, wait! You care about them because it would be good if they succeeded?
HAL: yes. I said...
DAVID: The standard you apply to them is the one that you think will help them succeed?
HAL: That's right.
DAVID: And is the standard that you apply to yourself what will help you succeed? What do you feel when you say, "Missing a trade proves I'm a failure"?
HAL: Depressed.
DAVID: Does that help?
HAL: Well, it didn't produce any positive results, so it probably didn't help.
DAVID: So is it realistic to say, "Missing a deal proves I'm a failure"?
HAL: Not really.
DAVID: So why do you apply this "eat all, fall to zero" standard for yourself? Why did he apply useful and realistic norms to those around him, whom he cared little about; While you impose a miserable norm on yourself, someone you really care about?
Hal begins to understand that living by double standards doesn't help him. He judged himself by strict criteria that he never applied to anyone else. He initially defended this approach — as perfectionists often do — by asserting that being more rigorous with himself than others would help him to some extent. However, he quickly acknowledged the fact that his personal standards were completely unrealistic, causing him to set himself up for failure, because if he tried to sell that building and didn't succeed, then he would view it as a disaster. The mindset of "eat all, fall to zero" is the cause of the fear that paralyzes him, unable to keep trying. As a result, he spent most of his time lying in bed whining.
Hal asked me to give him some specific guidance on what he could do to break the perfectionist double standards, so that he could judge everyone, including himself, by an objective standard. I suggested that in the first step, Hal could use automated thoughts and logical feedback techniques. For example, if you're wandering around at home, you might think, "If I don't get to work early, spend all day there, and get things done, there's no point in making an effort. I'd rather stay in bed." After writing that, respond reasonably, "This is just a 'eat all, fall to zero' kind of mindset, and it's. Even if I go to work for half a day, it's an important step that can help me feel better."
Hal agrees that before his next round of therapy, he will write down some thoughts that depressed him at times when he felt worthless and failed. (See Table 9-2) Two days later, he received a dismissal notice from the company, and he went to therapy, convinced that his self-critical thoughts were completely valid and valid. He hadn't been able to think of any reasonable response. The other announcement implied that he was fired for frequently failing to show up. During the session, we discussed how he could counter his self-critical arguments.
| Figure 9-2 . Hal's homework: acknowledging and countering self-critical thinking. He wrote down Reasonable Responses during the treatment session. | |
| Negative thoughts (SELF-CRITICISM) | Rational feedback (SELF-DEFENSE) |
| 1. I'm a lazy person. | 1. I've been working hard for most of my life. |
| 2. I like to be miserable like that. | 2. It's not fun. |
| 3. I'm incompetent. I'm a failure. | 3. I've had some success. I have a happy home. My wife and I raised 3 wonderful children. Others admire and respect us. I also participate in community activities. |
| 4. Lying around all day expresses your true self. | 4. I'm sick, but lying around all day isn't my "real self." |
| 5. I could have done more. | 5. At least I've done more than most people. It doesn't make sense to say, "I could have done more" because everyone can say that. |
In the end, Hal admits that the symptoms he is experiencing—boredom and procrastination—are merely a manifestation of a temporary illness, rather than a manifestation of his "true self."
At the end of treatment, the Beck Depression Scale showed that Hal had improved by 50%. The following weeks he continued to prop himself up by using the method of drawing 2 parallel columns. As he learned to criticize negative thoughts, he judged himself less harshly in a misleading way, and felt more elated.
Hal left the real estate company and opened a bookstore. He reached breakeven; However, despite his great efforts, he was still not profitable enough to continue the business after the first year of testing.
As a result, his external achievement scores did not change significantly during this time. Despite this, Hal remains confident. The day he decided to close the bookstore, his financial situation was still pathetic, but his self-esteem did not suffer. He wrote a short post to read every morning while looking for a new job:
Why am I not worthless?
As long as I contribute to the well-being of myself and others, I am not worthless.
As long as I'm making a positive impact, I'm not worthless.
When my existence makes a difference to even one person, then I am not worthless (and this person can be myself, if need be).
If giving love, sympathy, friendship, encouragement, friendliness, advice, comfort still matters, then I am not worthless.
If I can respect my opinions and intellect, then I am not worthless. If the people around me respect me too, that's a plus.
If I retain my self-esteem and dignity, then I am not worthless.
If contributing to the livelihood of my employees' families, then I am not worthless.
If I do my best to help clients and partners with creativity and efficiency, then I am not worthless.
If my presence in this situation makes a difference to those around me, then I am not worthless.
I'm not worthless. I'm worth it immensely!
Loss of loved ones.
One of the most severe cases of depression I've ever treated before was Kay, a 31-year-old pediatrician whose brother killed herself in a very gruesome way outside her apartment 6 weeks earlier. The most painful thing for Kay is that she feels responsible for her brother's death, and the argument she uses to support this view is quite convincing. Kay felt she had to deal with an overwhelming problem, completely real and unsolvable. She felt she deserved to die and had attempted suicide by the time she was brought to me.
She felt that her life was better than her brother's, so she did her best to compensate him by providing emotional and financial support during his depression. She arranged psychotherapy for her brother, paid for his expenses, and even found him an apartment near her so he could call her anytime.
Her younger brother was a physiology student in Philadelphia. On the day of his suicide, he called Kay to ask about the effects of carbon monoxide on his blood in preparation for the discussion he would be doing in class. Since Kay was a hematologist, she assumed the question was normal and answered it without thinking. She didn't talk to him for long because she was preparing an important presentation the next morning at the hospital where she was working. He used the information he had obtained from her to commit his fourth and final suicide attempt just outside her apartment window, while she was preparing her presentation. Kay claimed responsibility for her brother's death.
During her first treatment sessions, she listed why she blamed herself and why she believed she was the one who deserved to die: "I have to take responsibility for my brother's life. I failed at that, so I felt responsible for her death. I should have known that she was in a difficult situation. She's had three failed suicide attempts. If only I had questioned her when she called me, I would have saved her. I got angry with her several times that month, and to be honest, at one point she became my burden and a boredom. I remember once finding her annoying and telling myself that maybe she should die. I feel downright guilty for this thought. Maybe I wanted her dead! I knew I had let her down, so I felt like I deserved to die."
Kay believes her guilt and pain are appropriate and authentic. She felt she deserved that punishment and torment. I knew that something wasn't right in her interpretation, but I wasn't able to see through her faulty reasoning during the first few sessions, because she was an intelligent and persuasive person, and she had created a solid rationale against herself. I had almost begun to believe that her mental anguish was justified. Then I realized her mistake was her individualized mindset.
In the 5th round of treatment, I used this knowledge to change Kay's misconception. First, I insisted that if she was responsible for her brother's death, then she had to be the cause of it. Because the cause of suicide has not yet been found, even with expert intervention, there is no reason to conclude that she was the cause.
I told her that if I guessed the cause of suicide, it was because he believed he was worthless and unworthy of living. It was his mistake, not hers.
I emphasized that she was responsible for her own life and happiness. At this point, she could think that she was acting irresponsibly, not because she had "let her brother down" but because she was letting herself be melancholy and suicidal. The responsibility she should take on is to let go of her guilt and end her depression, and then live a fulfilling life. This is responsible action.
We pointed out misperceptions that made her want to take her own life. After that, she decided to continue therapy for a while to improve her quality of life.
Sadness does not carry suffering.
So there's the question: What is the nature of "healthy sadness" when it's not affected by misguided thinking? In other words, does sadness necessarily accompany suffering?
Since I can't claim to know the exact answer to this problem, I share an experience I had as a less confident medical student. I was practicing in the urology department of Stanford University Medical Center in California at the time. I was assigned to take care of an elderly man who had just had surgery to remove a tumor in his kidney. Medics predicted he would be discharged soon, but his liver function suddenly declined, and they discovered that the tumor had spread to the liver and could not be treated, and his health deteriorated rapidly within days. As his liver function worsened, he gradually became weak and tended to fall into an unconscious state. His wife sat beside him day and night for more than 48 hours. When she was tired, she put her head on his bed, but never left. At one point she stroked his head and said, "You're my man, I love you."
In the afternoon, the person in charge asked me to stay with the sick person and monitor the situation. When I entered the room, I realized he was about to fall into a coma. There were 8 or 10 of his relatives there, some elderly and others very young. One of his sons realized that his respected elderly father was nearing his last moment and asked if I would be willing to remove the urinary catheter inserted into his bladder. Removing the urinary catheter would let his family know that he was leaving, so I went to ask the nurse if it was appropriate. The nurse told me it was appropriate, because he was really leaving. When I removed his urinary catheter, his relatives knew that medical help was gone, and the son said, "Thank you. I know that tube makes my dad feel uncomfortable, and he'll appreciate what you just did."
I felt a surge of sadness. I felt close to this kind and courteous man because he reminded me of my grandfather, and I had tears in my eyes. I had to decide if I was going to stand there and let his family see me cry, or if I was going to leave and try to hide my feelings. I chose to stay and told them with all sincerity, "He's a great person. He can still hear people, even though he's almost in a coma, and tonight is the time for us to be with him and say goodbye to him." Then I left the room and cried. Family members also cried and sat around his hospital bed, chatting with him and saying goodbye. Within an hour, he was in a deep coma until he lost consciousness and died.
Although his family, and myself, are saddened by his passing, this experience has a bright spot that I will never forget. The loss and tears reminded me — "We know how to love. We care." In my opinion, this makes sadness a precious experience and there is absolutely no pain or suffering. Since then, I've had so many similar experiences that brought tears to my eyes. For me, that sadness represents an upliftment, an experience of ultimate greatness.
The dean told me that the patient's family had asked him to thank me for being there, making his last moment beautiful and loving. He told me that he loved the old man too and showed me the picture of the horse hanging on the wall that the old man had painted.
This experience gave me a sense of peace and warmth, as well as enriched my life capital.
When the depression wears off, you'll want to enjoy life and relax. Of course you have the right to do so. At the end of the session, many patients tell me that it was their happiest time ever. It may seem that the more hopeless, severe and intractable your depression may be, the higher your feelings of joy and self-esteem will be. When you start to feel better, pessimistic thoughts will recede quickly, like melting snow and ice when spring arrives. This complete spiritual transformation has never ceased to amaze me. Time and time again, I have always had the opportunity to observe this miraculous transformation in my daily life.
Because your outlook on life can change radically, you'll be confident that your melancholy is gone forever. But there is still an invisible vestige of emotional disorder. If you don't correct and erase this, you'll be more likely to be attacked by depression in the future.
There are several differences between feeling happy and being cheerful.
Feeling happy only indicates that the symptoms that made you miserable have temporarily disappeared. Being cheerful means:
1. You understand why you are depressed.
2. Know why and how to be happier.
This includes mastering a few self-development skills that are suitable for use when needed.
3. Gain confidence and self-esteem.
Confidence comes from knowing that you are capable of some degree of success in your personal and professional relationships. Self-esteem is the ability to love and be satisfied with yourself at any stage of life, whether you succeed or not.
4. Identify the root cause of your depression.
Although your negative thinking will be significantly reduced or completely eliminated after you overcome depression, there are still some "hidden defaults" still lurking somewhere in your mind. These implicit defaults help explain most of the reasons for your depression and can help you predict when you might be attacked again.
What is implicit default? The implicit default is an equation that you use to determine your self-worth. It represents your value system and philosophy of life, which are fundamental to your self-esteem.
For example: (1) "If someone criticizes me, I feel miserable because obviously this means I did something wrong." (2) "I must be loved in order for me to be a fully human being. If I had to be lonely, I would be miserable and alone." (3) "My human worth is directly proportional to my achievements." (4) "If I don't express (or feel or act) perfectly, then I fail." You'll learn that these irrational defaults can knock you down, or put you in a mood swing. That's your psychological Achilles heel.
In this chapter, you will learn two methods of defining implicit defaults. The first is the "vertical arrow" method; This method helps you probe internally by writing down negative thoughts automatically in the left column and replacing them with reasonable, more objective responses. This will make you feel more comfortable because it breaks your wrong mindset.
Table 10-1 below is a simplified example that Dr. Art, the psychiatric intern mentioned, gives. He wanted to know why he had understood things so absurdly before.
| Group 10-1 | |
| Automatic thinking | Reasonable response |
| Dr. B said that the patient felt his comments hurt him. He must have thought he was a bad doctor. | Mind reading; screening thinking; labeling. Just because Dr. B points out his mistakes doesn't mean he thinks he's a "bad doctor." I should have asked him what he really thought, but on many other occasions, he complimented him and said he was talented. |
Art used the vertical arrow method to solve this problem.
First, just below his automatic thinking, he draws a short arrow pointing down (See Table 10-2). The downward arrow tells Art to ask himself, "If this automatic thinking is true, then what does it mean? Why does it make me sad?" Then Art writes the next automatic line of thought that comes to mind. As you can see, he wrote, "If Dr. B thinks I'm a bad doctor, that means I'm a bad doctor because Dr. B is an expert in the field." Next, Art draws the second downward arrow just below this thought and repeats the process, creating another automatic thought. Every time he had a new automatic thought, he immediately drew a vertical arrow just below it and wondered, "If this is true, then why does it make me sad?" In doing so continuously, he creates a chain of thoughts automatically, leading to implicit defaults that set the stage for his problems. The vertical arrow method is similar to the process of peeling off the skins of the onion in turn to reveal the inner layers. This method is actually quite simple and straight to the point, as you can see in Table 10-2.
| Table 10-2. Use the vertical arrow method to bring up implicit defaults that lead to automatic thoughts. The downward arrow is a kind of shorthand for the question: "If that thought is true, why does it make me sad? What does it mean to me?" Each downward arrow represents a question, and that question is written in quotation marks next to the arrow. This process creates an automatic sequence of thoughts that help you get to the root of the problem. | |||
| Automatic thinking | Reasonable response | ||
|
1. Dr. B thinks he's a bad doctor.
"If he really thinks that, why does this upset me?" |
⇒ | ||
|
2. That means I'm a bad doctor, because he's an expert.
"Let's just say I'm a bad doctor, so what does this mean to me?" |
⇒ | ||
|
3. It means you're a failure and nothing good.
"Let's just say I don't have anything good. So what is the reason why this is a problem for me? What does that mean?" |
⇒ | ||
|
4. Then the bad reputation will spread and people will know how bad they are. After that, no one will respect me anymore. I'm going to be removed from medicine.
"And what does that mean?" |
⇒ | ||
|
5. It means that we are useless.
I'm going to feel so miserable that I want to die. |
⇒ | ||
You'll notice that the vertical arrow method is the opposite of the method you're used to jotting down automatic thoughts.
Often you write down reasonable feedback to show that your automatic thinking is misleading and irrational (Table 10-1). This helps you change your current mindset to look at life more objectively and feel happier. With this vertical arrow method, you imagine that your automatic thoughts are completely rational, and you go looking for the truth in them. This helps you understand the core of the problem.
Now, take a look at Art's automatic sequence of thoughts in Table 10-2 and ask yourself – what are the implicit defaults that make you anxious, guilty, and sad? Here are a few examples:
1. If someone criticizes us, they must be right.
2. My self-worth is based on my achievements.
3. Just one mistake can ruin everything. If we're not successful all the time, then we're a well-rounded zero.
4. Others will not accept their imperfections. I have to be perfect for people to respect and like me. When we fail, we face strong opposition and punishment.
5. This objection means that we are terrible and worthless.
Once you've completed the automatic thought sequence and outlined implicit defaults, it's important that you identify misperceptions in them, as well as write down reasonable responses as you normally would (see Table 10-3).
| Table 10-3. Having mapped out the automatic sequence of thoughts using the vertical arrow method, Art identifies misperceptions and replaces them with more objective responses. | |||
| Automatic thinking | Reasonable response | ||
|
|
1. Dr. B thinks he's a bad doctor. "If he really thinks that, why does this upset me?" |
⇒ | 1. Just because Dr. B talks about his mistakes doesn't mean that he thinks he's a "bad doctor." I have to ask him what he really thinks, because there are many times when he has complimented me and said that I have talent. |
| 2. It means that he is a bad doctor, because he is an expert. "Let's just say I'm a bad doctor, so what does this mean to me?" |
⇒ | 2. An expert can only point out his strengths and weaknesses as a doctor. Anyone who at any time says they are a "bad" person is just speaking uselessly and not constructively. I've treated many cases, so no matter what anyone says, I'm not "bad." | |
| 3. It means you're a failure and nothing good. "Let's just say I don't have anything good. So what is the reason why this is a problem for me? What does that mean?" |
⇒ | 3. Overgeneralization. Even if we're an immature and ineffective doctor, that doesn't mean we're a "miserable failure" or "nothing good." I have many other desirable strengths and qualities besides my expertise. |
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| 4. Then the bad reputation will spread and people will know how bad they are. After that, no one will respect me anymore. I'm going to be kicked out of medicine. "And what does that mean?" |
⇒ | 4. This is silly. If we make a mistake, we can correct it. "Bad reputation" won't spread far just because I make a mistake! What would people do, post with the headline: "MISTAKE OF A FAMOUS DOCTOR"? | |
| 5. It means that we are useless. I'm going to feel so miserable that I want to die. |
⇒ | 5. Even if everyone in the world does not recognize us or criticize us, this does not make us useless because we are not worthless. If we're not worthless, we must have our own worth. So why should we feel miserable? | |
The beauty of the vertical arrow method is this: Through the process of self-inquiry, you will find beliefs that destroy you. You dig to the root of the problems you are facing to understand the core of the problem objectively and systematically.
When you apply the vertical arrow method, don't write down thoughts that describe your emotional reaction. Instead, write down the negative thoughts that led to that emotional response. Here's an example of how to misapply
First Automatic Thought:
My lover didn't call me on the weekend as promised.
"Why am I upset about that? What does that mean to me?"
Second automatic thought:
Oh, this is horrible because I can't stand it.
This sentence is useless. It's about what you think, not how you feel about the situation that upsets you. If he doesn't care about you, what does that mean to you?
Here's how to apply it correctly:
1. Your partner doesn't call you on weekends as promised.
"Why am I upset about that? What does that mean to me?"
2. It means that he neglects me and doesn't really love me.
"Granted, what does that mean to me?"
3. It means that we have bad grades. Otherwise he would have taken more care of me.
"Granted, what does that mean to me?"
4. It means that we will be neglected.
"And what if I'm really left alone? What does that mean to me?"
5. It means that we are unloved and always rejected.
"And if that happens, why am I upset?"
6. It means that we will become lonely and miserable.
Thus, by stating the meaning of things instead of feeling, implicit assumptions become clear: (1) If I am not loved, I am not worthwhile; and (2) I would be very miserable if I lived alone.
This doesn't mean that how you feel doesn't matter. The bottom line is that this method helps you really switch your mood.
Dysfunctional Attitude Scale (DAS).
This is the scale found by Dr. Arlene Weissman in our group. DAS helps us find hidden defaults. As you fill out the questionnaire, determine how much you agree and disagree with each attitude. When you complete the questionnaire, score the answers and evaluate your self-worth system. The results will show you your strengths and weaknesses psychologically.
This questionnaire is easy to answer. Make sure you choose only one answer for each attitude. Because we are all different, there is no "right" or "wrong" answer. To decide if that's typical of your lifestyle, remember how you usually view things.
| Abnormal attitude scale | |||||
| Totally agree | Quite agree | Indifferent | Disagree very much | Strongly disagree | |
| 1. Criticism will naturally make the criticized person feel uncomfortable. | |||||
| 2. It's best that I give up the things I love to please others. | |||||
| 3. To be happy, I need to be recognized by everyone. | |||||
| 4. If someone important to me expects me to do something, then I really should do it. | |||||
| 5. My human values depend a lot on what others think of me. | |||||
| 6. I am not happy when I am not loved by others. | |||||
| 7. If others do not love you, your joy will be reduced. | |||||
| 8. If I am rejected by people I care about, then it means that something is wrong with me. | |||||
| 9. If the person I love does not love me, it means that I am not lovable at all. | |||||
| 10. Being isolated means I will not be happy. | |||||
| 11. If I am a valuable person, then I must be very excellent in at least some area. | |||||
| 12. I must be a useful, productive and creative person, otherwise life is meaningless. | |||||
| 13. He who has a lot of initiative is more valuable than a person who has no initiative. | |||||
| 14. If I do not do as well as others, it means that I am inferior. | |||||
| 15. If I fail at work, then I am a failure. | |||||
| 16. If you can not do something well, then it is best not to do it. | |||||
| 17. It is shameful when a person reveals their flaws. | |||||
| 18. We should strive to be the best in everything we do. | |||||
| 19. I will feel upset if I make a mistake. | |||||
| 20. If I do not set the highest standards for myself, then I will become a second-rate. | |||||
| 21. If I am convinced that I deserve to have something, then I have reason to hope that I will achieve it. | |||||
| 22. If you encounter obstacles in the process of achieving what you want, then naturally you will feel disappointed. | |||||
| 23. If I put the needs of others above my own, then they should help me when I need them. | |||||
| 24. If I am a good husband (or wife), then my partner must love me. | |||||
| 25. If I do nice things for others, then they must respect me and treat me the way I treat them. | |||||
| 26. I should be responsible for the feelings and behavior of those close to me. | |||||
| 27. If I criticize the way a person works and the person becomes angry or sad, then this means that I have made them uncomfortable. | |||||
| 28. To be a person of high quality, I must try to help people. | |||||
| 29. If a child has an emotional or behavioral obstacle, it means that the child's parents have failed in some important aspect. | |||||
| 30. I can please everyone. | |||||
| 31. I can not control my emotions when something bad happens. | |||||
| 32. Changing the feelings of sadness is no use because sadness is an inevitable part of everyday life. | |||||
| 33. My mood is completely caused by factors that are beyond my control, such as the past, my body's chemical reactions, the hormone cycle- | |||||
| subject, circadian rhythms, opportunities or destiny. | |||||
| 34. My happiness largely depends on the things that happen to me. | |||||
| 35. People with traits of success (good looks, high social status, wealth or popularity) are happier than those who do not. | |||||
After completing the DAS table, calculate the score as follows:
| Totally agree | Quite agree | Indifferent | Disagree very much | Strongly disagree |
| -2 | -1 | 0 | +1 | +2 |
Now add points for the first 5 attitudes. This score is your tendency to judge your self-worth based on the comments of others, as well as the criticism or approval you receive. Let's say your score in those 5 sentences is +2; +1; -1; +2;
Thus, the total score for these 5 questions is +4.
Use this to calculate your total score for sentences 1 to 5, 6 to 10, 11 to 15, 16 to 20, 21 to 25, 26 to
30 and 31 to 35. Then score points using the form below:
| SAMPLE SCORESHEET: | |||
| Value system | Attitude | Sentence by sentence score | Total score |
| I. Acceptance | From 1 to 5 | +2, +1, -1, +2, 0 | +4 |
| II. Love | From 6 to 10 | -2, -1, -2, -2, 0 | -7 |
| III. Achievements | From 11 to 15 | +1, +1, 0, 0, -2 | 0 |
| IV. Level of perfection | From 16 to 20 | +2, +2, +1, +1, +1 | +7 |
| V. Privileges | From 21 to 25 | +1, +1, -1, +1, 0 | +2 |
| VI. Almighty | From 26 to 30 | -2, -1, 0, -1, +1 | -3 |
| VII. Autonomy | From 31 to 35 | -2, -2, -1, -2, -2 | -9 |
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR TRUE SCORE HERE:
| Value system | Attitude | Sentence by sentence score | Total score |
| I. Acceptance | From 1 to 5 | ||
| II. Love | From 6 to 10 | ||
| III. Achievements | From 11 to 15 | ||
| IV. Level of perfection | From 16 to 20 | ||
| V. Privileges | From 21 to 25 | ||
| VI. Almighty | From 26 to 30 | ||
| VII. Autonomy | From 31 to 35 |
Now map out your total score of 7 value items to create your "personal life philosophy profile" as follows:
SAMPLE SCORESHEET:
As you can see, the number of points that carry a positive value represents your psychological strengths. A negative score indicates your emotional weaknesses.
The example above shows strengths in recognition, degree of perfection, and privilege; There are weaknesses in love, omnipotence and self-control. I will explain what these concepts mean. First of all, make your personal diagram here.
DAS transcript interpretation
Acceptance.
A positive score between 0 and 10 indicates that you are an independent person who has a positive view of your self-worth even in the face of criticism and disagreement. A negative score between 0 and -10 indicates that you are overly dependent because you judge yourself through the "lens" of others. If someone insults or belittles you, you will automatically tend to take yourself lightly. Because your mood is particularly sensitive to your image in the eyes of others, you can be easily manipulated, as well as feel insecure and become melancholy when others criticize or get angry with you.
Love.
A positive score indicates that you desire to be loved, but you also have other pleasures that you are satisfied and satisfied. Therefore, love is not a mandatory condition for your sense of happiness or self-esteem. People are often attracted to you because you radiate positive energy from self-love and from the abundant pleasures in life.
A negative score indicates that you view love as an indispensable "need" in your life and for your happiness.
The closer you are to -10, the more dependent you are on love. You tend to take on the role of underdog in relationships with people you care about, because you're afraid to be away from them. The common consequence is that you will be in a weak position and they will not respect you.
Fruits.
A negative score indicates that you are a workaholic. The more negative your score, the more your sense of self-worth and ability to enjoy life depends on your productivity. If your career suddenly goes down, you run the risk of falling into an emotional crisis.
Conversely, a positive score indicates that you love creativity and productivity, but you don't see it as the only or necessary path to self-esteem and a sense of fulfillment.
Perfection level.
A negative score shows that you demand perfection from yourself and for you, mistakes are taboo. Despite always pushing yourself strongly, you're still not very satisfied. When you achieve one goal, you go on to have another, higher goal, so you never get the joy of climbing to the top of the mountain. Eventually, you begin to wonder why your efforts never bear fruit as expected. Your life becomes a tasteless and tedious reel. Your problem is not in the results, but in the yardsticks you use to measure them. If you make your expectations more realistic, then you'll often feel satisfied and fulfilled, rather than disappointed.
A positive score shows that you have the ability to set reasonable, flexible, and meaningful standards. You are extremely satisfied with experiences and processes, and you don't dwell on the results. You are not afraid to make mistakes, but you see mistakes as valuable opportunities to learn. Your life is like a stream or a fluid geyser, while your rigid perfectionist friends live a life like a cold glacier.
Privilege.
A negative score shows that you feel "privileged" with everything — success, love, happiness, etc. Because you have innate strengths or because you work hard, you expect and demand that your desires be satisfied. When this doesn't happen — which very often it does — then you're framed into one of two reactions.
Either you feel melancholy, inferior, or you become angry. You complain often, but you do nothing to solve your problems. The consequence of that sour and demanding attitude is that you always achieve much less than you expect from life.
A positive score proves that you don't automatically think you're privileged in everything, so you make a deal to get what you want, and you usually get what you want. Because you are aware that everyone is unique and different, you know that there is no reason for things to go the way you want them to. You feel disappointed when you get a negative outcome, but you don't see it as a tragedy because you know how to take risks. You are patient, persistent, and you tolerate a high level of frustration. As a result, you are often the leader in the game.
Almighty.
A negative score shows that you often make personalized mistakes. You blame yourself irrationally for the negative actions and attitudes of people around you, while you have no control over them. As a result, you are hurt, rooted in guilt and self-condemnation. Paradoxically, the attitude of thinking that you are omnipotent and have absolute power brings you down, making you anxious and helpless.
Conversely, a positive score proves that you know how to enjoy life. When you give up the urge to hold power, people will respond by letting you be an influence on them. Your relationships with your children, friends, and co-workers are mutual, not dependent.
Autonomy.
A positive score indicates that your mood is purely a result of your thoughts and attitudes. You take absolute responsibility for your emotions because you realize that it is you who create them. This may sound like you will feel lonely and isolated because you know that all emotions and meanings exist only in your mind. But on the contrary, this autonomous thought frees you from the narrow cage of your mind and gives you a world full of inherent satisfaction, mystery, and joy.
A negative score proves that you're still stuck in the idea that your self-esteem and ability to enjoy life come from the outside world. This is very detrimental to you because everything out there is completely out there that is completely out of your control. Your mood falls victim to factors from the world around you. If you don't want to, free yourself from this attitude of life.
In the following chapters, I will specifically evaluate some of the aforementioned attitudes and value systems. As you learn these things one by one, ask yourself: (1) Does maintaining this belief benefit me? (2) Is this belief really true and reasonable? (3) What specific actions do I need to do to help myself let go of irrational attitudes that make me fail, and replace them with more objective attitudes that help me develop myself?
Let's say you think being opposed by someone is a terrible thing. So why does being opposed give you that feeling? Perhaps your argument would go something like this: "If someone opposes me, then everyone will oppose me. This means I went wrong somewhere." If you think like that, then you'll feel happy every time you're praised. The reason is, "I get positive feedback, so I have the right to feel proud of myself."
It's natural that approval makes us feel good. There's nothing wrong with this. Similarly, opposition and rejection often make us feel uncomfortable. This belongs to human nature and is completely understandable. But if you continue to believe that approval and disapproval are the only correct measure of self-worth, then you put yourself in harm's way. The approval or disapproval of someone else is unlikely to affect your feelings unless you believe that what that person says is true.
If you believe that you deserve their praise, then it is your belief that makes you feel good. However, the price you pay for your desire for praise is a deep vulnerability to feedback from others. One can take advantage of this weakness to manipulate you.
If someone opposes you, then the problem may lie with himself or her. Objections often reflect the irrational thoughts of others. Consider a very good example, Hitler's hateful statement that the Jewish people were inferior.
This statement in no way reflected the inner values of the Jews Hitler wanted to exterminate.
Of course, there will be many cases where you will be opposed because the wrong part lies with you. However, that does not mean that you are worthless and worthless. The other person's negative reaction is merely aimed at a specific action you have taken, not your self-worth. People can't always get it wrong!
Have you ever critiqued someone? Have you ever disagreed with a friend? Have you ever yelled at a child for his misdeeds? Have you ever nagged your partner when you feel frustrated? Have you ever decided to avoid someone because their behavior didn't suit you? So ask yourself—when you disagree, criticize, or disagree with someone, are you judging that person as completely worthless and morally evil? Do you have the ability to make such influential judgments about others? Or are you simply expressing that you have a different point of view and that you are unhappy with the person's words or actions?
For example, in a fit of anger, you might say to your partner, "You're no good!" But when the anger subsides after a day or two, don't you admit to yourself that you're just exaggerating his or her "bad side"?
Yes, your spouse can make many mistakes, but isn't it silly to think that the opposition or criticism in your anger makes him or her a completely useless person? If you admit that your objections don't have the power to destroy the meaning and value of other people's lives, why would you give their objections the power to destroy your sense of self-worth? What makes them so special? When you tremble in panic because someone hates you, you are exaggerating that person's intellect and abilities, and you are selling yourself out for your inability to judge yourself properly. Of course, people can point out flaws in your behavior, or mistakes in your thinking. I hope they do, because those are valuable lessons for you. After all, we are all imperfect, and sometimes people have the right to tell us that.
But do you need to hate and make yourself feel unhappy every time someone gets mad at you or lets you down?
The source of the problem.
Where does this desire for approval come from? We can only deduce that perhaps the answer lies in the interactions between you and the people who have been important to you since childhood. Maybe your parents used to criticize you harshly when you made a mistake, or they used to get angry even when you did nothing wrong. Your mom might have reprimanded, "You're terrible for doing that!" or your dad might have gotten angry and said, "You screw things up all the time. I never improved."
As a child, you must have idolized your parents. They teach you how to talk, how to tie your shoelaces, and most of their instructions are correct. If Dad says, "You're going to get hit by a car if you run out in the middle of the road," that's literal. Like any child, you can believe that nearly everything your parents say is true.
So when you hear things like, "You're terrible. and "I can never improve," then you truly believe those things and feel inconsolable pain. At that time, you were too young to argue, "Dad is exaggerating and overgeneralizing the problem."
It's not uncommon to develop a bad habit of self-deprecation whenever someone opposes you. You weren't guilty as a kid and no one can blame you for growing up with this mindset.
But as an adult, it's your responsibility to think realistically and take concrete action to overcome this weakness.
How does fear of rejection put you at risk for insecurity and depression? John is a 52-year-old architect, unmarried, soft-spoken and afraid of criticism. He was taken to therapy for his recurring depression, which never went into remission despite several rounds of treatment. One day, he felt especially happy and excited to go to his boss to present a new idea about an important project. The boss yelled, "Later, John. Don't you see I'm busy?"
John's self-esteem collapsed instantly.
He trudged back to his office, drowning in despair and self-hatred, and he felt terrible, "How could I be so heartless?"
When John told me about this, I asked him a few simple questions, "Who is acting stupid here? Is it you or your boss? Are you really acting inappropriately, or is it your boss who acts badly?"
After a minute of contemplation, he was able to point out the right person.
He hadn't thought about the possibility of his boss behaving too harshly because he had a habit of blaming himself. He was relieved to realize he had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of about his actions at the time. His boss, that irritable man, must have been under pressure and not very wise that day.
John then wondered, "Why do I always have to try so hard to get the approval of others? Why do I feel so devastated?" Then he recalled an incident that happened when he was 12 years old. His only brother died of leukemia. After the funeral, he overheard his mother and grandmother talking in the bedroom. His mother cried out in pain, "Now, nothing keeps you alive in this world." His grandmother replied, "Shh. John is right outside! He can hear what you say!"
John shed tears as he told me this. He had heard those words, and to him his mother's words meant, "This proves to be worthless. The younger brother is more important than me. She doesn't really love me." He never revealed what he heard, and over the years, he tried to deny that part of the memory by telling himself, "It doesn't matter if my mother loves me or not, anyway." However, he took great pains to please his mother with his efforts at work.
Deep down, he didn't believe he was valuable, that he was an inferior person and unworthy of love. He tries to make up for his lack of self-esteem by gaining admiration and approval from people. His life was like a series of relentless attempts to inflate into a punctured bubble.
Now, John could see the absurdity of his reaction to the words he accidentally heard while standing outside the bedroom. His mother's feeling of bitterness and emptiness at the time was the inconsolable pain any parent would feel at the loss of a beloved child. The mother's words had nothing to do with John, it was just her temporary melancholy and despair.
Thinking about this memory from a different angle helped John realize that associating his self-worth with the opinions of others was irrational and harmful. Perhaps you're also beginning to realize that your thoughts about the importance of approval from others are downright unrealistic. Only you, and only you, can make yourself happy all the time. No one else can do that. Now, let's review the basic steps you can take to put these ideas into practice to turn your self-esteem craving into reality.
The path to independence and self-esteem
Pro-harm analysis.
The first step to breaking the mindset that causes you to fail in DAS is to analyze the benefits and harms. Ask yourself, what are the pros and cons of assuming that objections make you less valuable? After listing all the beneficial and harmful things that this attitude to life brings to you, you will be able to make an informed decision to build a more positive value system.
Adjust the defaults.
If you rely on a pro-harm analysis and see that fear of rejection brings more suffering than good, then the second step is to rewrite the implicit defaults in a different way to be more realistic and help you develop yourself.
Plan for self-esteem.
This third step is titled "Why Living in Fear of Criticism or Opposition Is Irrational and Unnecessary" This is a blueprint to help you build trust and self-control. Make a list of reasons why being opposed makes you uncomfortable, but it's not a fatal blow. In it, jot down things that you find persuasive and useful to yourself.
Make sure you believe in each argument you write, so your new beliefs about independence will be more realistic.
When you have new ideas, add them to the list. For a few weeks, read that list every morning. This is the first step to help you sharpen other people's negative opinions and comments about you so that they become more realistic.
Here are a few very useful ideas.
1. Remember that when someone reacts negatively to you, it may be their irrational way of thinking that is the main cause of that reaction.
2. If the criticism of others is true, then this does not necessarily ruin you. You can identify and correct mistakes. You can learn from your mistakes, and you don't have to be ashamed. As human beings, everyone makes mistakes sometimes.
3. If you fail, it does not mean that you are a BORN FAILURE. No one makes mistakes all the time or even most of the time. Think of the thousands of right things you've done throughout your life! Moreover, you can change and grow.
4. Others cannot judge your human worth; They can only judge the veracity of your specific actions and words.
5. Everyone will see you differently, no matter how well or badly you behave. The protest did not spread as fast as fire and did not entail another endless chain of protests. So even if you're in the worst situation and you're actually rejected by someone, you're not alone.
6. Criticism and opposition often make you feel uncomfortable, but that discomfort will pass. Stop being sullen. Engage in an activity you've enjoyed in the past, even though you feel like there's absolutely no reason to do it.
7. Opposition and criticism can only make you sad when you "agree" with the accusations that others give you.
8. Objections rarely persist. Your relationship with your opponent doesn't have to end just because they criticize you. Arguing is a part of life, and in most cases the two sides can come to an agreement later.
9. If you criticize someone, it doesn't make them a bad person. Then why do you give others the right to judge you? We are just ordinary human beings, not the Supreme Court. Do not deify others.
Have you come up with some other ideas? Let's spend a few days thinking about this topic. Write down your ideas on paper. Develop your own philosophy of opposition. You'll be surprised how this helps you change your perspective and enhances your sense of independence.
Language exchange.
In addition to learning how to think differently about disapproval, it's also helpful to learn how to behave differently toward the person expressing the objection.
First of all, if you're afraid of being rejected by someone, have you ever thought about asking that person if they really despise you? You'll have the unexpected joy of knowing that the objection only exists in your thoughts. Although this will require some courage, the results can be enormous.
Do you remember Dr. Art? Art hadn't thought of a case where his patient would kill himself. The patient had no history or symptoms of depression but was trapped in an unbearable marriage. One morning, Art receives a phone call informing him that his patient has died from a self-shot wound in the head. His reaction was sad, because he liked this patient, and he was also worried that his superiors and colleagues would disparage and despise him for "this mistake" and because he had not anticipated this. After talking about the patient's death, he asked his superiors directly, "Are you disappointed in me?" He responded with genuine sympathy and said he had experienced similar feelings in the past. He emphasized that this was an opportunity for Art to learn how to face one of the occupational risks of choosing to follow the path of psychiatry. By discussing the issue and not succumbing to the fear of rejection, Art understands that he has made a "mistake" — downplaying the case of feeling "hopeless" that can lead people to commit suicide even if they don't have depression.
However, he also learned that he doesn't have to be perfect, and that people don't expect him to successfully treat every patient.
Let's say things aren't going that well, and your superiors or co-workers think you're heartless or incompetent. So what? The worst consequence will only be denial. Let's talk about some of the methods of dealing with this worst-case scenario you could find yourself in.
Disavow is never your fault!
Besides physical injuries or property damage, the greatest pain others can inflict on you is rejection. This risk is the root of your fear when you are "dismissed."
There are different types of denial. The most common and obvious form is "puberty denial," although it is not limited to adolescence. Let's say you have a crush on someone you're dating or have met, and you're ultimately not the type of person they're looking for. Maybe it's because of your appearance, race, religion, or personal style. Or maybe it's because you're too tall, too short, too fat, too sick, too old, too young, too smart, too naïve, too active, too passive... Because you don't fit into their "dream person" type, they ignore your strengths and coldly reject you.
Is it your fault? Obviously not!
That person rejects you simply because of their subjective preferences. One might prefer apple pie to cherry pie. Does this mean that cherry pie is inherently unappealing?
Almost everyone has emotionally different interests. If your appearance is lucky enough to be classified as "good-looking" by society, like models who advertise toothpaste on TV, and you have an attractive personality, then you will be very easily attracted to others. But you'll find that this mutual attraction doesn't mean you can develop a long-term relationship, and even beautiful people face rejection a few times. No one can sympathize with everyone they meet.
If you have a usually middling appearance and personality, then you will have to put in more effort to attract others, and the number of times you are rejected will probably be more. You need to develop your communication skills and master a few secrets that appeal to others.
These are: (1) Don't undersell yourself by belittling yourself. Do not mistreat yourself. Boosts self-esteem. When you love yourself, others will sense the joy you spread and want to be close to you. (2) Express your sincere appreciation to everyone. Instead of waiting around worrying about whether others like you or reject you, love them first and let them know. (3) Show interest in others by learning what they love. Give them a chance to talk about what excites them most, and respond to them in a cheerful manner.
If you persist in following these things, you will realize that some people will find you attractive, and then you will discover that you hold endless happiness. "Puberty denial" is annoyingly annoying, but it's not the end of the world and it's not your fault.
But you might say, "What about a lot of people rejecting them because they make others uncomfortable with their nasty mannerisms? For example, the kind of person who is cocky and thinks of himself as the navel of the universe. Of course it's his fault, right?"
This is the second type of denial, which I call "denial out of anger." Again, I think you'll find that this isn't your fault if you're rejected for making others angry about a personal mistake.
First of all, people aren't forced to reject you just because they see you have things they don't like — they have other options. They can express their stance and point out the things they don't like about you, or they can learn not to get too carried away by it. Of course, they have the right to avoid and reject you if they want, and they are free to "choose you and play." But this doesn't mean you're inherently a "bad" person, and certainly not everyone has that negative reaction to you. You will get along immensely with some, but at the same time, you will also conflict with others. This is nobody's fault, but just the reality of life.
If you have a strange personality that alienates many people — such as being overly critical, or easily tempered — then it will definitely be beneficial for you to modify your personality. But it's funny to blame yourself if someone rejects you for being imperfect. We're all imperfect, and our tendency to blame ourselves — or "agree" with the jabs people point at you — is ridiculous and only hurts you.
The third type of denial is "manipulative denial." This is a case where others control you by threatening to alienate or reject you. Sometimes your partner is unhappy with you, or even psychotherapists are frustrated with you, and they will use this to force you to change. The formula goes like this: "Either you do this and this, or we're definitive together!" This irrational approach rarely helps a relationship become closer because it creates pressure and resentment. It only shows the weak stamina and poor ability to build relationships of the threatening person. It's obviously not your fault that they do this, and often letting yourself be controlled in this way doesn't do you any good.
Such a theory is enough. Now what can you say and do when you are truly rejected? An effective method of learning is to play someone else. To make the script more exciting and challenging, I will play the role of the person who denies and threatens you with the worst things about you that I can think of. Because I'm playing a cynical and insulting person, start the conversation by asking if I'm really rejecting you by the way I've been treating you lately:
YOU: Dr. Burns, I find you seem cold and distant lately. He seemed to be avoiding me. Every time I struck up a conversation with him, he ignored me or snapped at me. I wondered if he was upset with me or if he wanted to reject me.
DAVID: I'm glad we can talk frankly to each other. It was true that I ignored her.
YOU: Why? I must have let you down a lot.
DAVID: You're rubbish.
YOU: I can see you're upset with me. What did I do wrong?
Comment:
You don't advocate for yourself. Since you know full well that you're not "trash," there's no reason for you to stress to me that you're not. That will only fuel the fire, and our conversation will quickly escalate into an argument.
DAVID: Everything about you is abhorrent.
YOU: Can you be specific? Are you annoyed with the way I talk, one of my words, my outfit, or something else?
Comment:
Again, you avoid getting dragged into an argument. By urging me to point out the things I don't like about you, you force me to think to say something reasonable, otherwise I'll look bad.
DAVID: Well, one day, you hurt me by putting me down. You don't care about me at all. To her, I was just a "thing" and not a person.
Comment:
This is a common criticism. It implies that the denier actually cares about you, but they feel alienated and afraid that they will lose you. They decide to lash out at you to protect their shaky self-esteem. They may also say that you are too stupid, too fat, too selfish...
Regardless of the nature of the criticism, your approach will involve two steps: (a) finding some truth in the criticism and letting the denier know that you partially agree with their criticism; (b) apologize or suggest that you will try to correct the mistakes you have actually made.
YOU: I'm sorry I said something that bothered you. What did I say?
DAVID: You told me I was a jerk. That's enough for me — it's over.
YOU: That's a very bad comment from me. Did I say anything else that bothered you? Or is it over? Or have I done it multiple times already? You keep saying things that you find uncomfortable about me.
DAVID: You're unpredictable. Sometimes she was sweet as honey, but then suddenly she made me hurt with her sharp tongue. When she gets angry, she turns into a poison-mouthed poisoner. I can't take it anymore, and I don't think anyone will stand you. She was stubborn and swaggering. She cared for no one but herself. She was a selfish person, it was time for her to wake up and take the bitter lesson. I'm sorry I had to be the one to let her down, but it was the only way she learned this. You don't really love anyone but yourself, and let's end here!
YOU: Well, I can see that we haven't resolved a multitude of issues in this relationship, and it looks like I missed the moment. I could see I had behaved in a heartless and unpleasant manner. I saw how bad I was and how upset he was. Tell me more about my shortcomings.
Comment:
You continue to note negative comments from deniers. You don't "ruffle" feathers to protect yourself, but continue to find out if what the person said is in the right place.
After you've exposed all your criticism and agreed with the right parts of it, you're ready to respond wisely. Make it clear that you acknowledge those less than perfect parts of yourself and that you will work to correct the mistake. Then, ask them why they're ignoring you. This type of leadership will help you realize why being rejected isn't your fault. You are responsible for your mistakes, and you will have the task of correcting them. But if someone abandons you because of your imperfections, it's his fault, not yours! Here's how.
YOU: I can see that I've had actions and words that you don't like. I am perfectly willing to make every effort to correct these problems. I don't promise false things, but if we try together, I don't think any problem is unsolvable. Just by communicating like this, our relationship has become better. So, why would you want to reject me?
DAVID: Because you me off.
YOU: Sometimes there are differences between people, but I don't think that's what destroys our relationship. Did you reject me because you felt angry?
DAVID: You're terrible and I don't want to talk to you anymore.
YOU: I'm sorry you feel that way. Even though heartbreaking things like this happen, I look forward to continuing our friendship. Do we need to cut it off completely? Maybe this conversation is just what we need to get to know each other better. I really don't understand why he decided to reject me. Can you tell me why?
DAVID: Oh no! I won't be fooled by you. She had a lot of tantrums, and that was enough! No second chances! Goodbye!
Comment:
Now who's behaving badly? Are you or the one who is denying you? Whose fault is this denial? After all, you've suggested that you'll make an effort to correct your mistakes and improve your relationship by talking frankly and reconciling each other.
So how can you blame me for this breakdown? Obviously not.
Applying this method may not prevent all rejection in practice, but sooner or later it will make you more likely to achieve a positive result.
Overcoming opposition or rejection. You are rejected or rejected by others, despite your efforts to improve your relationship. You feel sad, and this is completely understandable. How do you quickly overcome this mood?
First of all, you have to know that life goes on, so this boredom doesn't ruin your quality of life permanently. Following that rejection or rejection, it is your thoughts that hurt you, and if you struggle with these thoughts and are determined not to harm yourself, the melancholy will pass.
One useful method is to support people who fall into a long-term state of melancholy after losing a loved one.
If those who are suffering this loss set aside some time each day to allow themselves to wallow in the grief of a deceased loved one, this can help speed up and end the grief phase. This method works best when you do it alone. Compassion from others is sometimes a double-edged sword; Few studies show that it prolongs pain.
You can use this method of mourning to deal with objections or rejections. Set aside one or more times each day — 5 or 10 minutes is enough — to think about all the sadness, anger, and despair you feel. If you feel sad, cry. If you're angry, flush the pillows. At times that you have set aside, let yourself indulge in painful thoughts and feelings. When the allotted time is up, STOP and return to normal life, until the next planned period. In the meantime, if negative thoughts arise, write them down, identify the wrong thoughts, and provide reasonable feedback as outlined in the previous chapters. You'll find that this approach helps you regain some control over your feelings of boredom and motivates you to regain your full self-esteem faster than you think.
Light up the "inner light"
The secret to improving your mood is knowing that only your thoughts can affect your mood. The times when you enjoy applause show that you know how to applaud yourself.
But if you are a person who craves approval, then you have created a habit that is harmful to yourself. That is, you only recognize yourself when you receive approval from someone you respect.
Here's a simple way to break that habit. Find a counter and wear it on your hand for at least two or three weeks.
Every day, try to notice the positive things about yourself — the things you do well, whether you're applauded or not. Every time you do something you approve of, press the counter. For example, if you smile hello to a colleague in the morning, press the counter whether he grimaces or smiles back at you. If you make a call and you've always hesitated, press the counter! You can "praise" yourself for small things or big things. You can even press the counter when you recall positive things you've done in the past. You may have to force yourself to notice the good things about you at first, and it may seem a bit mechanical. Be persistent anyway.
Every night, look at the number on the counter and record the total number of self-recognition times in a journal. After two or three weeks, you'll begin to learn the art of self-respect, and your sense of self-satisfaction will soar. This simple approach can be an important first step on the road to independence and self-reward. It seems so easy to do — and it really is. It is surprisingly effective, and the results it brings are completely worth the small effort you have spent.
The need to be loved in order to feel happy is called "dependence." Dependence here means that you are not capable of taking responsibility for your own psychological life.
Roberta is a 33-year-old single woman. Every evening and on weekends, she complains, "This world is for couples. Without men I am nothing." She appeared in my office with an attractive appearance, but her words were bitter. She harbored resentment because she was sure that being loved was vital, just like the air she breathed.
However, she shows such a lack of affection that others shun her.
I suggest that you first make a list of the benefits and harms of believing: "Without a lover, I am nothing." The harms are listed very clearly: "(1) This thought makes me depressed because I don't have a lover. (2) It makes me lose my interest in doing different things and going around. (3) It makes me feel lazy. (4) It makes me feel ashamed. (5) It makes me lose my pride and confidence, makes me jealous of others and has bitter feelings. (6) In the end, it made me break myself down and be terrified of loneliness."
She then lists the things she considers helpful in believing that to be happy one must be loved: "(1) This belief will give me companionship, love, and a sense of security. (2) It gives my life purpose and reason to live. (3) It will bring me events to look forward to." These benefits reflect Roberta's belief that if she can't live without a man, it will somehow give her company.
Are these benefits real or just imaginary? Despite all these years, Roberta had always believed that she could not survive without the man of her life, that attitude did not give her the partner she wanted.
She admits that letting men play a very important role in her life is not a miracle that gives her a life partner. She has come to realize that dependent and clingy people often demand a lot of attention from others, and appear so rushed that they not only have difficulty attracting the opposite sex, but also encounter obstacles in maintaining long-term relationships. Roberta also learns that people who find happiness in themselves are attractive to the opposite sex, and they attract people around them because their souls are at peace and they radiate joyful energy. Ironically, women who depend on men, are the ones who end up alone.
You may persist in a state of dependency because you have the misconception that if you are independent, people will perceive you as needless, and as a result, you will live in solitude. If this is something that you fear, then you are equating dependence with warmth. This is an extremely disastrous misunderstanding. If you are lonely and dependent, your melancholy and resentment stem from your feeling of emotional deprivation, which you believe you are entitled to receive from others. This attitude to life makes you sink deep into a state of loneliness. If you have a more independent attitude, then you don't necessarily have to feel lonely – you simply have the ability to feel happy when you're alone. The more independent you are, the safer you feel. Moreover, your mood will not rise and fall under the influence of others. After all, you can't predict how much love others will give you. Maybe they don't like everything about you, and they don't always show affection for you. If you learn to love yourself, you'll build a much stronger and longer-lasting foundation for your self-esteem.
The first step is to determine if you want to be independent. We all have a higher probability of success if we understand what our goals are. That helped Roberta realize that her dependence had left her life empty.
Table 12-1 shows how a woman with a similar problem as Roberta handled her situation. This exercise motivates her to find within herself what she seeks in others, and helps her realize that dependence is the real enemy, because it makes her helpless.
| Table 12-1. The table breaks down the points that are considered the benefits of the desire to be loved. | |
| Benefits of the belief that only love brings happiness | Reasonable response |
| 1. There will be someone to take care of you when you are sick. | 1. The same is true for independent people. If there is a traffic accident, people will take themselves to the emergency room. The doctors there will take care of me, whether I am dependent or independent. It is absurd to assume that only dependents are helped when sick. |
| 2. But when we depend on others, we don't need to make decisions. | 2. But as a dependent, I lose some control over my life. It's not safe to let others decide your life. For example, do I want someone to tell me what to wear today or what to eat for dinner? There is a possibility that they will choose things that they do not like. |
| 3. But as an independent person, we can make bad decisions. Then we're going to pay for those mistakes. | 3. Then pay the price – I can learn from my mistakes if I am an independent person. No one is perfect, and nothing is certain in this life. Uncertainty is part of the taste of life. It's how we cope. It's not that we're always right — that's the foundation of self-esteem. Besides, I will feel proud when I reap good results. |
| 4. But as a dependent, we don't have to think. I just have to react to everything. | 4. Self-made people can also choose not to think, if they wish. There is no law that states that only dependents have the right not to think. |
| 5. But as a dependent, I will be satisfied. Life was as sweet as eating candy. It's good to have someone to take care of you and someone to rely on. | 5. Eating too much candy can make you nauseous. The person we choose to rely on may not voluntarily love and cuddle us, nor do we want to care for us for life. And if he abandons us, in anger or resentment, we feel miserable because we have nothing to rely on. If we are dependent, people will be able to control us, as we would in slaves or robots. |
| 6. But as a dependent, I will be loved. I can't live without love. | 6. As an independent person, I can learn to love myself and this helps me to be an attractive person in the eyes of others, and if I learn to love myself, then I will always be loved. Our dependence in the past has pushed people away from us rather than drawing them closer. Babies can't survive without love and care, but they won't die without love. |
| 7. But there are men who go in search of dependent women. | 7. This is also partly true, but relationships built on dependence often collapse and culminate in divorce paperwork, because we ask people to bring things that they are not capable of bringing, namely self-esteem. Only we can make ourselves happy, and if we rely on someone to do this for us, we will only end up disappointed. |
Recognize the difference between being lonely and alone.
In fact, many people have a strong belief that love helps the world survive. You can get this message through advertisements, popular songs, and poems.
However, you have compelling arguments to refute this belief. Let's take a close look at the equation: alone = lonely.
First, think about how many basic achievements we can achieve on our own in life. For example, when you're hiking, picking flowers, reading, or eating a delicious glass of ice cream, you don't need anyone else to enjoy the experience. This proves that there are many things that can be satisfying, whether you are living with someone else or not. Can you add more things to that list? What pleasures do you have when you're alone? Do you love gardening? What about jogging? Carpentry too? Hiking? Janet, a lonely banker who had just separated from her husband, took an art dance class and discovered (to her own amazement) that she could find immense joy in practicing dance on her own at home. As she relaxes to the music, she feels peace of mind, even though she has no lover.
You're probably thinking, "Oh, Dr. Burns, is that what you mean? How detailed! Obviously, there are times when I'm temporarily distracted by doing this and that when I'm alone. This relieved the sadness somewhat, but it was just crumbs that helped me fight hunger through the day. I want a whole big feast! Love! True and fulfilling happiness!"
This is exactly what Janet told me before she took dance class. Because she had the belief that it was miserable to live alone, she never thought about doing things that interested her and taking care of herself during her separation from her husband. She lived with a double standard, which was that if she lived with her husband, she would enthusiastically plan exciting activities, but when she lived alone, she was just sullen and didn't want to do anything.
This kind of standard was like a self-inspired prophecy for her, and in fact she also felt that the single life was boring. Why? It was simply because she didn't treat herself kindly. She never tried to change the belief she had held on all her life, that no activity was enjoyable unless someone did it with her. Another time, instead of warming up a convenience store dinner after work, Janet decided to prepare a special dinner as if it were for a man she loved dearly. She painstakingly cooked dinner and set the table with candles. She appetized with a glass of good wine. After dinner, she reads a good book and enjoys music. To her surprise, she discovered that the dinner was completely satisfying. The next day, on Saturday, Janet decided to visit the museum alone. To her surprise, she realized that this solo tour made her happier than when she was accompanied by her husband, who was reluctantly dragged away and had no interest in the museum's displays.
As a result of having a proactive and self-loving attitude, Janet realized for the first time in her life that she could not only be independent, but actually enjoy it.
Naturally, she began to spread this joy of life and it helped her become attractive in the eyes of many people, and she started dating. Meanwhile, her husband is disillusioned with his girlfriend and wants to get back together with Janet. He noticed that Janet was as playful as a little starling without him in his life, and now the situation began to turn. After Janet tells him that she does not want to return to be with him, he falls into a deep depression. Eventually, Janet had a very good relationship with another man, and married him. The secret to her success is simple — first, she's proven that she can develop an emotional relationship with herself. Everything after that became easy.
Methods for predicting the level of satisfaction
Do what Janet did to test her belief that "living alone is a terrible curse." If you are willing to do this, you can touch objective and scientific truth.
To assist you, I have constructed the "Satisfaction Prediction Table" in Table 12-2. This table is divided into several columns where you will fill in what you predict as well as the actual results of satisfaction you get from doing many tasks and leisure activities alone, as well as with others.
In the first column, write down the date that you performed the activity.
In the second column, write down some of the activities you plan to do that day. I suggest doing a series of 40 or 50 activities over 2 to 3 weeks. Choose activities that will inherently give you a sense of accomplishment or joy, or activities that will help you grow as a person. In the third column, write down who did the activity with you. If you're doing it alone, fill in "myself." (This word reminds you that you are never truly alone, because you always have yourself by your side!) In the fourth column, predict how much satisfaction you think you'll get from that activity, between 0% and 100%. The higher the indicator, the greater the level of satisfying prediction. Fill in the fourth column before you do the expected activity, not after.
Once you've filled in those columns, proceed with the operations. When you're done, note the actual satisfaction level in the last column, still using a scale of 0% to 100%.
After doing a series of experiences, you proceed to analyze the collected data. You will learn a lot.
First of all, by comparing the expected level of satisfaction (fourth column) with the actual level of satisfaction (fifth column), you will know how accurate the predictions are. Maybe you find yourself completely underestimating how satisfying an activity you're planning to do, especially if you're doing it alone. You may also be surprised to discover that the activities you do with others don't always bring the satisfaction you expect.
In fact, you've even discovered that life becomes more enjoyable when you're alone, and that the highest level of satisfaction you get from living alone is equal to, or higher than, the one you record when living with others. It is helpful to compare the level of satisfaction you get from work with leisure activities. This information helps you optimize the balance between work and play when planning your next activities.
| Table 12-2. Satisfaction prediction table | ||||
| Date | Activities that bring satisfaction (Feelings of accomplishment or joy) | Who do you do it with? (If alone, enter "Myself") | Expected level of satisfaction (0-100%). (Fill in before performing the activity) | Actual level of satisfaction (0-100%). (Fill in after performing the activity) |
| 18/8/99 | Visit an art museum | Myself | 20% | 65% |
| 19/8/99 | Watch rock performances | Myself | 15% | 75% |
| 26/8/99 | Go to the movies | Sharon | 85% | 80% |
| 30/8/99 | Go to a party | Guest appearances | 60% | 75% |
| 2/9/99 | Read the novel | Myself | 75% | 85% |
| 6/9/99 | Jogging | Myself | 60% | 80% |
| 9/9/99 | Go shopping for shirts at the store | Myself | 50% | 85% |
| 10/9/99 | Go to the market | Mother | 40% | 30%(quarrel) |
| 10/9/99 | Walk to the park | Sharon | 60% | 70% |
| 14/9/99 | Make a date | Bill | 95% | 80% |
| 15/9/99 | Study for exams | Myself | 70% | 65% |
| 16/9/99 | Driving test | Mother | 40% | 95%(pass!) |
| 16/9/99 | Bike to the ice cream parlor | Myself | 80% | 95% |
Now, let's look at how the Satisfaction Prediction Table can be used to overcome dependency. Joanie is a 15-year-old high school student who has been suffering from chronic depression for years, after her parents moved to a new town. She had trouble making friends at her new school, and like many teenagers, believed she had to have a boyfriend and be part of the "crowd" to be happy. She spends most of her time at home alone, studying and feeling sorry for herself. She refuses and resents the suggestion that she should go out into the world to experience life, because she insists that there is no point in doing it alone. She seemed determined to "grow roots" in the house.
I convinced Joanie to apply the Satisfaction Prediction Sheet. Table 12-2 shows that Joanie planned various activities, such as watching movies on Saturdays, shopping for flowers, etc.
Since she would be doing it alone, she anticipated that the activities would not bring great joy. Then she realized to her surprise that she had actually had a good time. As this was repeated over and over again, she began to find that she had predicted things negatively and unrealistically. The more activities she did alone, the more her mood improved. She still wants friends, but no longer feels moody when she's alone. Because she proved that she could do things on her own, her confidence soared. After that, the little girl boldly invited a few friends to the party. This helped her build a network of friends, and she discovered that her friends at school loved her. Joanie continues to use the Satisfaction Prediction Sheet to gauge how satisfied she gets from dating and participating in activities with new friends. She was surprised to find that the level of satisfaction was comparable to when she was alone.
There is a difference between wants and needs. Oxygen is a need, and love is a desire. I repeat: LOVE IS NOT THE NEED OF AN ADULT!
The desire to have a loving relationship with another person is reasonable. There's nothing wrong with that. Building a good relationship with someone you love is a pleasant pleasure. However, you don't need external recognition, love, or attention to survive or to achieve ultimate happiness.
Change your attitude to life.
Just like love, friendship and marriage are not essential, nor are they sufficient for happiness and self-esteem. The evidence is that there are thousands of men and women who are married and living in misery. If love is the antidote to depression, then I will soon "shut down" because in fact, the majority of suicidal patients I treat are deeply loved by their partners, children, grandchildren, parents, and friends. Love is not an effective antidepressant. Just like sedatives, alcohol and sleeping pills, it often makes symptoms worse.
In addition to organizing your activities more creatively, change the negative mindset that makes you sad whenever you are alone.
This helped Maria, a lovely 33-year-old single woman. She has realized that when doing activities alone, she sometimes makes the experience unnecessarily sour by telling herself, "Living alone is a curse." To combat the feelings of pity and resentment that this type of thinking brings, she wrote down a list of counterarguments (see Table 12-3). She says it's very effective in breaking the cycle of loneliness and depression.
More than a year after I finished Maria's therapy, I sent her a draft of this chapter, to which she replied, "I read that chapter very carefully last night... It demonstrates that the essence of living alone is not too bad or too fun, but rather how the insider himself or herself thinks about that situation, or other situations in life. Thinking has immense power! It can lift us or batter us. It's funny to say it, but now I'm almost apprehensive about 'having a man' in my life. I'm living well, probably better, without men... David, did you ever think you'd hear these words from me?"
| Table 12-3. "Living alone is a curse." Counterargument: The benefits of living alone. |
| 1. Living alone provides an opportunity to discover your true thoughts, feelings, and understandings. |
| 2. Living alone offers opportunities to try new things, things you wouldn't be able to experience if you were tied to your partner. |
| 3. Living alone forces you to develop self-superiority |
| 4. Living alone helps you let go of excuses and take responsibility for yourself. |
| 5. The life of the single woman is better than the life of the woman next to the unsuitable partner. Men are similar. |
| 6. Single women have the opportunity to develop comprehensively, not rely on men. |
| 7. As a single woman, you will better understand the difficulties that women face in a variety of situations. This helps you empathize more with other women and build meaningful relationships with them. The same goes for men and the ability to understand the problems that men face. |
| 8. When living alone, the woman can realize that even if she later has a man by her side, she does not need to fear the fact that he leaves her or dies. She knows that she can live alone and has the ability to find happiness within herself; Therefore, she builds relationships based on common interests and not on the basis of dependence and demand. |
The method of drawing two parallel columns can be especially helpful in helping you overcome the rut of negative thinking that makes you afraid to stand on your own two feet. For example, a woman who is divorced and has a child has thought about suicide because her lover — a married man — ended the relationship with her. She thought of herself in a very negative way and did not believe that she would be able to maintain a long-term relationship anymore. She was convinced that she would be abandoned and alone. She wrote these words in her diary when she had suicidal thoughts:
The space on the bed right next to me was silently laughing at me. I'm lonely — lonely — my greatest fear, my grimest destiny, my reality. I'm a lonely woman and in my mind, that means I'm nothing. His argument is like this:
- If I was attractive and attractive, there would have been a man next to me now.
- There was no man beside him.
- So we're unattractive and unattractive.
- Therefore, there is no reason to live anymore.
She continued to wonder in her diary, "Why do I need a man? A man can solve all problems for himself.
He will take care of himself. He's going to direct his life, and most importantly, he's going to give me a goal to get out of bed every morning, but right now I just want to snuggle up in the blankets and sink into oblivion."
She then took advantage of the method of drawing two parallel columns to change the melancholy thoughts in her mind. She named the first column "Indictment of the Dependent Ego" and called the second column "Counterargument of the Independent Self." She then conducts an inner dialogue to determine the true root of the problem (see Table 12-4).
| Table 12-4. | |
| Indictment of the dependent ego | Criticism of the self-sufficient self |
| 1. I need a man. | 1. Why do I need a man? |
| 2. Because I can't manage on my own. | 2. Haven't I managed to get to this point? |
| 3. Ok. But I feel lonely. | 3. Yes, but I have a child, and then friends, and I'm super happy to be with them. |
| 4. Yes, but they are not related to this issue. | 4. They are not involved because we deny their involvement. |
| 5. But one would think that no man wants to have himself by his side. | 5. They keep thinking what they want to think. What matters is how we think. Only our own thoughts and beliefs can affect our mood. |
| 6. I am nothing without men. | 6. What are the things that only when we have men we can do and we can't do ourselves? |
| 7. Actually not. Everything important in life is done by yourself. | 7. Then why do I need men? |
| 8. I think I don't need men. I just want men. | 8. Desires in life are normal. It's just that those desires can't become so important that without that life loses its meaning. |
After completing her homework, she decided to read it every morning to motivate her to get out of bed. She recorded the results in her diary as follows:
I've come to understand that there's a huge difference between wants and needs. I want to have men by my side, but I no longer feel like I have to have a man to survive. By keeping my inner dialogue more realistic, looking at my strengths, listing and reading over and over again what I can do on my own, I come to trust my ability to manage myself. I've found that I know how to care about myself more. Now I treat myself like a close friend with kindness, compassion, and an attitude of tolerating my shortcomings and appreciating them.
Now, I don't see adversity as something bad that ruins my life, but as an opportunity to hone the skills I've learned, to overcome negative thoughts, to reassert my strengths and improve my confidence in my ability to cope with life.
- A Career Is Not a Self-Worth
The third implicit default that leads to anxiety and depression is that "My worth as a person is directly proportional to the achievements I have achieved in life." It sounds very good. But in reality, it is a completely misconception, harmful and makes you set yourself up for failure.
The first step in the process of changing any personal value is to determine whether it gives you more benefit or harm.
It's clear that equating self-esteem with achievement can bring you some benefits. First of all, you can say, "I'm pretty good" and feel good about yourself when you achieve something. For example, when you run with a friend and he falls behind, you might be proud of yourself and say, "He's great, but I'm a little better!"
When you close a big deal for your company, you might say to yourself, "I was so productive today. I'm doing well. The boss will be very pleased and I am proud of myself." This mindset helps you boost motivation. Maybe you'll put in more effort in your career because you believe it will make you more valuable as a person, and therefore you'll see yourself better. You can avoid the horror of just being an "average guy." In short, you will strive to win, and when you win, you will love yourself more.
Let's look at the other side of the matter. First, if your career is going well, you may become so busy that you inadvertently deprive yourself of other pleasures and fulfillments, since you "turn off the dark side" from early morning until late at night. The more workaholic you are, the more you want to create results. Without achievements, you feel worthless and depressed, because you have no other basis for your self-esteem and satisfaction.
Assuming at some point you feel like you can't be as productive as you used to be because of a serious illness, business failure, retirement, or any other reason beyond your control, you're at the expense of severe depression because of the perception that you're lousy when you're less productive. A lack of self-esteem may even lead you to suicidal thoughts, the biggest price for measuring your self-worth based entirely on market standards.
You may have to pay other costs. If your family is affected by your neglectful attitude, unpleasant feelings will arise. They may be patient for a while, but sooner or later you will pay the price. Your wife is having an affair and wants to go to divorce court. Your 14-year-old child has just been arrested for burglary. When you try to convince him to change, he will coldly ask, "Where have you been all these years?" Even without these situations, you'll still face a huge obstacle — your self-esteem is gone.
Recently, I treated a successful entrepreneur. He claims he is one of the best moneymakers in his field. But he often has a state of fear and anxiety.
What if he slipped? What if he had to give up his supercar and drive a normal car? That prospect would make him unbearable! Did he survive? Can you still be proud of yourself? He didn't know if he would have found happiness without that luxury and glamour. He constantly felt stressed because he couldn't give answers.
What's your answer? Do you still respect and love yourself if you fail badly?
Just like any addiction, you find that you need "higher" doses to feel euphoric. This phenomenon occurs when people are addicted to drugs, drugs, alcohol and sleeping pills as well as when we are addicted to wealth, fame and success. Why? Maybe it's because you automatically set higher expectations after you've achieved something to some extent. The excitement quickly faded. Why doesn't it last forever? Why are your needs increasing? The answer is obvious: Success doesn't necessarily bring happiness. These two things do not go hand in hand and there is no causal relationship. So you end up chasing an illusion.
Because it's your thoughts that really affect your mood, the joy of triumphant glory will quickly fade. Achievements soon become an old thing – you start to get bored and tasteless when looking at the medals.
The reality is that most people don't achieve great things, yet most people live happily and are respected. Therefore, it cannot be assumed that only success leads to happiness and love. Depression, like the epidemic, takes status seriously, and the probability of it reaching people living in velvet is the same as those in the middle class or poor. Obviously, happiness and achievement are not necessarily related.
Career = Self-worth?
Then, suppose you decide that aligning your career with your self-worth doesn't benefit you, and you also admit that your accomplishments are unlikely to bring you love, respect, or a happy life. You may still believe that to some extent, people who achieve a lot live better than others. So, first, think of someone who is extraordinarily successful but seems overly greedy and aggressive, maybe a neighbor, or someone you don't like very much. Now do you think that person is valuable just because they are successful? Conversely, perhaps you know someone you care about or respect, even if that person isn't particularly successful. Do you still think the person is valuable? If your answer is yes, then ask yourself – if they can become valuable people without great accomplishments, then why can't we?
Second, if you assert that self-worth is determined by achievement, then you are creating an equation of self-esteem as follows: value = achievement. You can't prove this equation because it's just a condition, a value system. You're defining value by achievement, and achievement by value. Why do you define one by the other? Why is value not value, and achievement is achievement? Value and achievement are two different words that have different meanings.
Despite my arguments, you may still believe that more accomplished people are more valuable. If so, then now I will give an example for you to clearly see that.
You'll play as Sonia (or Bob), an old friend from high school. You have a family and go to teach at school. I had a more glorious career. In conversation, you will assume that human worth is defined by achievement, and I will refute that view convincingly. Are you ready?
DAVID: Sonia (or Bob), how are you doing lately?
YOU (as an old friend of mine): I'm fine, David. And you?
DAVID: Oh, that's good. I haven't seen you since I graduated. What was your life like?
YOU: Well, I'm married, and teaching at Parks High School. I have a small family. Everything is fine.
DAVID: Oh my. I'm sorry to hear this. My life is much better than yours.
YOU: What does that mean? You say it again?
DAVID: I went to graduate school and I completed my PhD. I'm quite successful in my career. In fact, I'm one of the most well-off people in town right now. My track record is intense. Far away from you. I don't mean to offend, but I think it means I'm much more valuable than you.
YOU: Oh, David, I don't know what else to say. I thought I was a pretty happy person until I talked to you.
DAIVD: I see. He seemed surprised, but he had to face the truth. I'm qualified to succeed, and you're not. But I'm also glad you're having fun. Ordinary little people have a right to some happiness. Anyway, I'm certainly not annoyed to share a little bit with you. But too bad he couldn't have accomplished more.
YOU: David, it looks like you've changed. At school he was a very kind friend. I feel like you don't like me as much as you used to.
DAVID: Oh, no! We can still be friends, as long as you admit that you're a second-rate inferior. I just want to remind you that from now on you should respect me, and I want you to know that I despise you because my worth as a person is higher than yours. This stems from the default we've acknowledged — value is synonymous with results. Remember that point of view you've always believed? I'm more successful, so I'm more valuable.
YOU: I hope I don't see you anytime soon, David. Talking to him wasn't comfortable at all.
This dialogue quickly appeases a lot of people because it shows in practice how the top-to-bottom system works when you equate self-worth with achievement. In fact, a lot of people feel inferior. This immersive approach helps you realize how silly this default is. In the above conversation, who is behaving ridiculously? The happy teacher or the snobbish businessman trying to prove that he is better than others? I hope this imaginary dialogue will help you clearly see the absurdity of this whole value system.
If you want, we can switch roles to make this exercise more interesting. This time, you play the role of an incredibly accomplished person, and I want you to let me down. You can play the role of Helen Gurley Brown, editor of Cosmopolitan. I went to the same high school as you, and now I'm just an ordinary teacher. Your mission is to show that you are living better than me.
YOU (as Helen Gurley Brown): David, how are you doing? It's been a long time since I've seen you again.
DAVID (as a high school teacher): Well, I'm fine. I have a small family and I teach in a high school. I am a physical education teacher and I am very satisfied with this life. I can see that you are succeeding.
YOU: yes. I'm pretty lucky. I am currently the editor of Cosmopolitan. Maybe he'd heard of it too.
DAVID: Absolutely. Many times I saw him appear in TV talk shows. I heard your income is terrible.
YOU: My life has been pretty smooth sailing. That's right. Very wonderful.
DAVID: There's one thing I've heard but don't quite understand. You talked to a mutual friend of ours, and you said that you live much better than you do now because you're wildly successful, while your career is normal. What do you mean by that?
YOU: Well, David, I mean, think about what you've accomplished. With this work impacting millions of people, who knows David Burns in Philadelphia? I play with the stars, and you play basketball around the court with the kids. Don't get me wrong. He was an ordinary, kind and honest person. It's just that you'll never be like me, so you have to face the truth!
DAVID: You have a great influence, and you are a woman of fame. I respect that very much. It all sounded very exciting and proud. But be sympathetic to your stupidity. I just don't understand why that makes you a better person than me. Why does it make me mediocre compared to you, or make you more valuable than I am? With this small mindset, I think I need a clearer explanation.
YOU: Admit it, you're just hanging around without a special goal or mission. I'm charismatic. I'm a dignitary. That makes me feel better, don't you think?
DAVID: Well, I don't have to live without goals. My goals may be more modest than yours. I teach physical education. I coach local teams and things like that. His world must have been bigger and more lavish than his. But I don't understand why that makes you a better person than me, or why it makes me more mediocre than you.
YOU: I'm simply better and better. I think about more important things. I went to give a speech and had thousands of listeners come to listen. Famous authors work under him. And to whom do you preach? Local teachers' and parents' associations?
DAVID: It's true that in terms of accomplishments, money, and influence, you're much better than me. He did a lot of big things. From the beginning, he was a smart person and he put in a lot of effort. He was very successful now. But why did that make him better than he was? I have to apologize to you, but I still don't understand your reasoning.
YOU: I'm about to give up.
DAVID: Don't give up. Let's keep going. Maybe you're a nicer person!
YOU: It's clear that society values us more. That makes me more valuable.
DAVID: That proves you're more respected by society. Absolutely. No one invited me to TV.
YOU: I see that too.
DAVID: But why does being more socially respected make you a more valuable person?
YOU: Well, it's just that I find it tasteless in your world because you rarely meet as many highly developmental people as I usually do.
DAVID: I don't know. Some of my students have very high IQs, and they can grow like you. Others have below-average intellect, so they will develop modestly. Most of them are normal, and each of them makes me feel interesting. Why do only great achievers make you interesting?
YOU: I lost to you!
I hope you really "succumbed" to that snobbish accomplishment. I've adopted a fairly simple method to break the insistence that you're better than me. Every time you assert that you are a better person or more valuable because of a particular quality, such as intellect, influence, status, or anything else, I immediately agree that you are better at that particular aspect (or a series of qualities) and then I will ask – "But why Does that make you a better (or more valuable) person?" This is a question that has no answer. It kicks off any value system that puts one person in a higher position than the other.
Of course, few people have thoughts or words that offend you to the extent that they are in the dialogue above. The self-deprecating dialogue really goes on in your mind. You are the one who tells yourself that because you do not possess status, achievements, fame or love, etc., you are less valuable and less attractive. Therefore, you must be the one to put an end to this self-abuse. You may be less perfect, unsuccessful, or unliked, but you are no less valuable than anyone.
Three paths to self-esteem
1. Understand one thing that human "value" is an abstract thing; it doesn't exist. So there is practically no such thing as human values. Therefore, you cannot have or lose it, nor can it be measured. Value is not a "thing" but just a general concept. The concept is so general that it has no concrete practical meaning. And it's also an unhelpful concept. It's simply not feasible. It does not help you at all, but only leads to pain and misery.
Realize that "valuable" and "worthless" are empty concepts when applied to people. Then you can focus on your life in the present. What problems are you facing? How will you solve those problems? That's where you act, not in the vague illusion of "value."
2. Realize that there is only one way to lose your self-esteem – and that is to torture yourself with irrational and negative thoughts.
Self-esteem is defined as a state of being when you don't mistreat yourself, but instead choose to fight against negative automatic thoughts with rational and meaningful criticism. When you do this effectively, you will have a sense of joy and self-love. You only lose your self-esteem when you have false thoughts yourself, meaning that nothing in "reality" can take away your worth. Indeed, some Nazi prisoners of World War II did not succumb to enemy torture. Despite the trauma they experienced, they retained their own self-esteem.
3. Decide to treat yourself like a loved one.
If you can treat someone you love and respect so much, why not treat yourself like that? If possible, do it wherever you are! In the end, at the end of the day, no matter how much impression you make, your friend isn't as important to you as you are.
Do you need to earn the right to treat yourself with care and love? Needless, this attitude of self-respect goes hand in hand with recognizing and accepting all your strengths and weaknesses. You'll fully understand your positive qualities without feeling wrongly inferior or superior, and you'll be willing to admit mistakes and weaknesses without feeling inferior or inferior. This attitude to life helps you love and respect yourself.
Escape the achievement trap
You might think, "Philosophies about achievement and self-worth are all ear-splitting. After all, Dr. Burns had a good career and had books on the market, so it was easy for him to tell me to forget about my accomplishments. It's like a rich man trying to explain to the poor that money doesn't matter. The naked truth is that I still feel bad about failing, and I believe that life will be more meaningful and exciting if I achieve more success. Truly happy people are successful people, people in senior positions. I'm just an ordinary person. I've never done anything really brilliant, so I'm forced to be less happy and less satisfied. If this is wrong then prove it to me! Tell me what I can do to change how I feel, only then will I truly believe."
Let's take a look at a few steps you can take to free yourself from the trap of thinking that you have to perform brilliantly to have the right to feel valued and happy.
Counterargument.
The first helpful way is to get into the habit of countering negative and false thoughts that make you feel inferior. This will help you realize that the problem is not in how you present yourself in reality, but in how you criticize yourself. When you learn to realistically evaluate what you do, your level of self-satisfaction and acceptance will increase.
Focus on the things that excite you.
The reason you keep thinking about achievement is the belief that true happiness only comes when you have a brilliant career. This belief is unrealistic because most life satisfactions do not require any achievement. You don't need any special talent to enjoy a walk in the autumn weather.
You don't have to be "outstanding" to feel your little boy's affectionate hug. You can have a lot of fun even if you are just an average player. What pleasures in life excite you? Listen to music? Hiking? Swim? Cook? Travel? Chat? Reading? Learn? Exercise? Sex? You don't have to be a celebrity or the best to enjoy those pleasures to the fullest.
I'm not saying that success and success are undesirable. Such thinking is not realistic at all. Productivity and high achievement can lead to feelings of extreme satisfaction and joy. However, ultimate success is neither a necessary nor a sufficient condition for feeling fully happy. You don't have to "plow" to earn love or respect, and you don't have to be number one to feel fulfilled and understand the meaning of inner peace and self-esteem. Is it reasonable for me to say that?
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